How have I failed?
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I’m such a failure. As much as I want to hide it from the world, I cannot try hard enough to hide it from myself. I have failed so many times, and my past failures didn’t seem to mean much to me. But it seems like I’ve finally hit the bottom. And my initial reaction to the ground cracking slam? Indifference. I feel numb all over. I put on a smile like it’s no big deal. But a day later…the pain starts to kick in.
I’m such a failure.
There are many types of failure. One that is called a “consequence”. Caused by a person’s faulty decisions in the past. Experienced mostly by people who are more in-touch with “reality”. The second type of failure is called a “jinx”. This type of failure are experienced mostly by people who believe in “luck”. The third type of failure is called “God’s will”. The type of failure that are often experienced by the “faithful”. I am a “faithful” but I don’t want to blame God for my failure. I sometimes believe in luck but I also believe that “jinxes” have no power over me. I am in-touch with reality but I float more in the “dreamy” realm. So, how have I failed? Perhaps, it’s a combination of the three.
I failed, not because I am not smart enough and I failed, not because I did not pray enough. Because truth is, even though I have walked away from God, I felt him pulling me back. And he showered a lot of talents than an average human being. I failed not because I am unfortunate. Because the truth is, I was lucky to have a good mom who stood by me no matter how many times I broke her heart. I failed also not because I was too “dreamy”. Because I was being realistic when I had to face the truth that people are going to JEER me as soon as I decide to start over in college at my age.
I failed because I have neglected the things that should be on top of my priority list. I failed because I did not put my heart into the things that I do. I failed because even though I knew that I was lost, I did not try hard enough to find my way back to the right path.
I’m such a failure.
I’m such a failure.
There are many types of failure. One that is called a “consequence”. Caused by a person’s faulty decisions in the past. Experienced mostly by people who are more in-touch with “reality”. The second type of failure is called a “jinx”. This type of failure are experienced mostly by people who believe in “luck”. The third type of failure is called “God’s will”. The type of failure that are often experienced by the “faithful”. I am a “faithful” but I don’t want to blame God for my failure. I sometimes believe in luck but I also believe that “jinxes” have no power over me. I am in-touch with reality but I float more in the “dreamy” realm. So, how have I failed? Perhaps, it’s a combination of the three.
I failed, not because I am not smart enough and I failed, not because I did not pray enough. Because truth is, even though I have walked away from God, I felt him pulling me back. And he showered a lot of talents than an average human being. I failed not because I am unfortunate. Because the truth is, I was lucky to have a good mom who stood by me no matter how many times I broke her heart. I failed also not because I was too “dreamy”. Because I was being realistic when I had to face the truth that people are going to JEER me as soon as I decide to start over in college at my age.
I failed because I have neglected the things that should be on top of my priority list. I failed because I did not put my heart into the things that I do. I failed because even though I knew that I was lost, I did not try hard enough to find my way back to the right path.
I’m such a failure.
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Comments for How have I failed?
You're not alone. Everybody has failures in life. You just have to learn how to cope up with it. That's just how life is. Life is not heaven. But it's not all pain and suffering either. Just pray, I'd say it's 99% effective. I know 'coz I've tried it. The other 1% of your prayers not being heard is when God knows it's not for you. And if he does not give you what you've asked for, He ussually gives something else, something even much much better.
- Posted at 3:54 AM | By
When I posted this entry, I was already coping. And I always pray. And yes, you're right...it's 99% effective. Thanks ;-D It's nice to know someone actually reads my entries and actually understands. Heheheh.
- Posted at 5:23 AM | By
Cris Rene Denopol
It's good to hear that. Only "crazy people" don't cope in life's problems. I'm glad you're not one of them. Whenever you have a problem, I'm here to give you an advise. That's my job. Just think of me as your angel (in disguise) :)...
- Posted at 9:53 PM | By
Ganun. hahahaha. Ok...great!
- Posted at 6:43 AM | By Cris Rene Denopol
Chris give yourself a break. Everyone tries their best. Even if you didn't who cares. It's not going to matter whether you finish something or not, whether you did it quicker than the rest, whether you won or lost. I have so many things to tell you about my belief but I'm afraid you're just going to have to wait until we become room mates *wink* - cause I have learned so much and I have so much to share. Chris we have dreams but it's not the destination that matters - it's the journey. Hang-in there and forgive yourself, you're not perfect. Nor does anyone expect that of you. We all just do the best we can.
Don't listen to the voices that degrade you. For they have no light in them. God wants u to be happy and he wants u to see. He will lift you up after you stumble - I trust that.
As long as you are right with the Lord that's all that truly matters. God knows your heart my friend. And I am certain I will get sick of you one of these days for we will be hangin out together in heaven for eternity LOL
Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
p.s. - I am sorry I was unable to read your blog sooner to give you this advice. But I'm sure the Holy Spirit helped guide you thru.
Looking forward to hangin out with you soon - or chatting with you.
-kathryn
Don't listen to the voices that degrade you. For they have no light in them. God wants u to be happy and he wants u to see. He will lift you up after you stumble - I trust that.
As long as you are right with the Lord that's all that truly matters. God knows your heart my friend. And I am certain I will get sick of you one of these days for we will be hangin out together in heaven for eternity LOL
Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
p.s. - I am sorry I was unable to read your blog sooner to give you this advice. But I'm sure the Holy Spirit helped guide you thru.
Looking forward to hangin out with you soon - or chatting with you.
-kathryn
- Posted at 7:49 PM | By
I'm not a blogger so I'll post this in your comment :) hope you don't mind.....
When I was in college I was happy hangin out with my friends and do all kinds of things with them but there would be these sudden moments of sadness that lurks inch by inch when I am alone. I knew I was happy but the moment I go home, and be quiet for sometime, I would feel so sad. I thought I was depressed because I didn't have a boyfriend. I thought the terrible feeling was due to my emptiness of not being in a relationship. But now I know. ..... I listen too much.
Being here in the U.S. is a dream come true and everything was falling in the right place and was happy and content as ever when all of a sudden, sitting on the couch, almost about to fall asleep, I feel this familiar depression trying to consume me. This time I was very much puzzled as to why I am feeling this because I have no reason. I was somewhat amused and perplexed hmmmmmm So .. in that moment of transition between being asleep and being awake I concentrated really hard, and focused all my energy in this feeling of mine. I was curious, I don't know what came over me but I was determined to feel.. in that moment of transition. I held it for about a minute.... then all of a sudden I hear this fat man saying "kathy is a loser, kathy is a loser HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" He stated all the failures that truly hit a nerve. And all I could do was wince with pain. I was not afraid of this voice because he was quite funny actually. Oh he was very good at insulting and I felt his energy. It was somewhat demonic and evil and I knew that fighting him would be a losing battle. So I shook my head and the voice disappeared.
I thank God for opening my ear and allowing me to hear a fallen angel degrading me. Because when I have that moment of weakness I know- not to listen to that fuckin bastard.
My friend - you are happy :) I trust that :) just don't listen to the voices that say you're not. You know you are happy. And the fallen angel knows you know. So he will degrade you. And then you will have moments like these.... hahahahaha funny huh. Quite the asshole he is LOL
- kathryn
When I was in college I was happy hangin out with my friends and do all kinds of things with them but there would be these sudden moments of sadness that lurks inch by inch when I am alone. I knew I was happy but the moment I go home, and be quiet for sometime, I would feel so sad. I thought I was depressed because I didn't have a boyfriend. I thought the terrible feeling was due to my emptiness of not being in a relationship. But now I know. ..... I listen too much.
Being here in the U.S. is a dream come true and everything was falling in the right place and was happy and content as ever when all of a sudden, sitting on the couch, almost about to fall asleep, I feel this familiar depression trying to consume me. This time I was very much puzzled as to why I am feeling this because I have no reason. I was somewhat amused and perplexed hmmmmmm So .. in that moment of transition between being asleep and being awake I concentrated really hard, and focused all my energy in this feeling of mine. I was curious, I don't know what came over me but I was determined to feel.. in that moment of transition. I held it for about a minute.... then all of a sudden I hear this fat man saying "kathy is a loser, kathy is a loser HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" He stated all the failures that truly hit a nerve. And all I could do was wince with pain. I was not afraid of this voice because he was quite funny actually. Oh he was very good at insulting and I felt his energy. It was somewhat demonic and evil and I knew that fighting him would be a losing battle. So I shook my head and the voice disappeared.
I thank God for opening my ear and allowing me to hear a fallen angel degrading me. Because when I have that moment of weakness I know- not to listen to that fuckin bastard.
My friend - you are happy :) I trust that :) just don't listen to the voices that say you're not. You know you are happy. And the fallen angel knows you know. So he will degrade you. And then you will have moments like these.... hahahahaha funny huh. Quite the asshole he is LOL
- kathryn
- Posted at 8:38 PM | By